Eating My Words

When I was pregnant with Bean, I knew that I wouldn’t be like those new mommies who spoil their children. You know the ones. They do things like sit and hold their baby while it sleeps. Everybody knows you don’t hold a sleeping baby. If you do, they’ll expect you to hold them all the time. You’ll spoil them. Right?

I was told throughout my first pregnancy by many well-intended friends and family members that you don’t hold a sleeping baby. And I didn’t. When Big Al was born, I held him and played with him when he was awake, but when he got sleepy, I put him to bed. Big Al was the best little baby ever. He slept through the night at 3 weeks! He rarely cried. He was so easy going and never got tummy aches. He never had earaches or high fevers. God was good to me. He knew that, as a single mom, I needed a baby like Big Al.

When Smarty came along, I knew what to expect. I knew how to not spoil a baby. I held him and played with him while he was awake and put him to bed when he was sleepy. He played well by himself. He slept through the night at 4 months. He had a set nap schedule. He wasn’t as easy as Big Al, but he was a great baby. He would occasionally run a high fever with an ear infection. He was a happy little baby.

My mother said I was tempting fate by having a second child so close in age to my first (26 months difference in their ages) and that I would have my hands full. See, I was a good baby and my sister had colic for three months so my mom felt that if the first baby was good, the second would be a terror. She was wrong – both of my babies were good. So there!

When I told my mother (and everybody else) that we were trying to conceive another child, she (and everybody else) thought we were crazy! Three kids? Are you nuts? Your boys are half grown now, why do you want to start over with a baby? They just couldn’t understand why I would want to go through those sleepless nights and all the rough patches of life that come with caring for a newborn. They didn’t know my heart. And besides, I was an old pro at this stuff. I mean, I had taken care of the boys and they were such contented babies. This would be a piece of cake.

On the day I found out I was pregnant with Bean, my sister gave birth to her first child. She tip-toed through her house when he slept and turned the ringer off on her phone. She bought a white noise machine for his room. He didn’t sleep through the night for at least 8 months. Oh, Kimmie! I thought. You must be doing it wrong! You shouldn’t spoil him so. To each his own. More power to ya!

When Bean came, I held her and played with her while she was awake but when she got sleepy, I put her to bed. And she screamed to the top of her itty bitty lungs. So I picked her up and rocked her and sang to her until she was asleep and I would put her to bed. And she would scream. Eventually, I would lay in my bed with her in the crook of my arm and we would sleep. I don’t co-sleep. After two weeks, I was finally able to break the habit. At four months, she was sleeping 11 – 12 hours at night. An old pro, I thought to myself, I’ve got this thing in the bag.

But at six months, she started waking up at night again. I figured it was caused by teething and surely it would pass soon. For the next five months, I waited patiently for those teeth to come in so she would start sleeping through the night again. Her first teeth broke through on September 21. She still does not sleep through the night!

These past few weeks have been hard for me. I had my wisdom teeth cut out last Monday and I couldn’t nurse Bean for 24 hours because of the anesthesia. It made for a long night for both of us. She didn’t want to go to sleep. I knew it was because she wanted to nurse. She didn’t want a bottle, she wanted me. She woke up often that night. But I knew the next night would be better since I would be able to nurse her again. It wasn’t. Neither were the next three nights. I took her to the doctor for her check-up, expecting to hear that she had another ear infection since they seem to keep her awake at night. Nope, her ears are fine. Saturday night, my mother-in-law came to babysit while Hubby and I went to the University of Tennessee game. Since we didn’t get home until midnight, I wasn’t here to nurse Bean. She went to bed and went right to sleep for Nana anyway. She woke once during the night and my mother-in-law (God bless her) got up with her before I could and she went right back to sleep until the next morning. Every night since has been the usual battle.

I think I have spoiled my child.

I’m just not up for letting her scream her head off for half an hour. I can’t dish out the “tough love” that the pediatrician assures me she needs. I know I must teach her to just go to bed at night, but I just can’t do it. I’ve gone soft. She has broken me. It’s just different this time.

This morning, as sleepy as she was, she refused her nap. She wanted me to hold her. So I did. I held her and I rocked her. As, she looked up at me with her droopy little eyes, I thought to myself, Yep, I’m eating my words. I don’t care either. These moments are too fleeting. If my baby wants her mommy to hold her and rock her, so be it. I know that all too soon, she’ll be a big girl and she won’t want to sit on my lap to rock and some day (soon?) she will go to bed without too much complaint. I’ll just enjoy these moments until they are gone.